Thinking of the summer, stretching out so long ahead of us, makes me feel a little panicky. What the heck are we going to do? How are we going to make it fun and fulfilling for the kids? How are we not going to drive each other nuts?
We are going to the beach. A few weeks ago, we decided we weren’t going to go. Then we changed our minds. Things are changing every day. We’re moving into the next phase. We need to evaluate each situation, to figure out how to minimize our risk while living our lives. We need the ocean and the sand and ice cream on the beach and wine on the porch and long walks along the water and salt on our skin. We need to be somewhere other than our house. We need to breathe.
I hurt my back and I feel angry about it. I need running. I need exercise. It gives me purpose. It makes me feel happy and “in my body” and “out of my head.” It’s my thing, and it helps me cope with the world right now. I am working toward goals and I don’t want to lose fitness, or worse, have to start over.
And yet – sometimes the body just needs a break. And maybe my body is forcing me to take one. I saw a chiropractor yesterday and he doesn’t think this is anything serious – my SI joint was slightly elevated on the right side. I can run, but take it easy/slow and see how things go. Today, I walked one mile, ran two, and walked one more. It was hot and humid and I loved every minute. Tomorrow I will rest, and Monday I will try again. I will do the exercises the doctor gave me every day and I will get stronger. One day at a time.
Being with the kids 24×7 is hard. It makes me impatient, and I wasn’t that patient to begin with. Some days, I want to be alone. Alone, alone, alone. Not forever. Just for a couple days. Or maybe a week.
And yet – I know I couldn’t be away from Tim, Isabelle, and Zach for very long right now. They are my touchstones. I hug them and am reminded why I am here. They bring me back to center to realize: as long as they are here, everything is okay.
As much as I love weekends with no plans, I miss my family, I miss running with my friends, I miss date nights. At first, the quarantine was this introvert’s dream, but it’s wearing on me now.
The world is weighing heavy on me this week. The political climate, the racial injustice, anger as the default emotion in so many people. It’s too much. I had to take a break today from the news and social media. I was spiraling.
I’m sleeping 8-9 hours a night and still feel tired most days. It’s a lot to take in right now.
Last night, the pink light of the sunset took my breath away. Today, the sky is so blue, the sun is blazing, our roses are blooming, and I brought some inside to enjoy. I have everything I need. I love and I am loved.